I just read this
article posted by journalist Duncan Graham in his blog. A little information on Mr Graham: he's a New Zealander married to an East Javanese woman from Malang. In this particular post, he was describing how different Indonesians and Westerners are culturally (mostly on attitudes towards cats).
Some of his points which he experienced himself with his Indonesian wife remind me of our own little but sometimes funny hiccups in our relationship.
- On the cat fact: Vincent adores cats. Nice cats, stray cats, it doesn't matter. He thinks they need to be pampered no matter what. I don't hate cats but I'm not particularly in like (let alone love) with them. I am always upset when a cat just came inside my kitchen and stole some food. Vincent thinks it's so cute and funny that cats steal food. The other day he said, "Well, they steal food because you don't give them food." Right, like there are 10 cats in the neighbourhood and of course we have to be the Santas for them. Honey, I really think you should cook more, and I mean not only fry French Fries or Sausages or Crepes. Try to do things from the scratch, and I'll get those cats to steal the food you made. You'll laugh the first time, you'll beat them up the 5th time they do that.
- On washing dishes with cold running water or hot running water: I have to go with the Westerners in this case. Hot/warm running water is proven to be the most effective in cleaning greasy dishes. Though as an Indonesian, I won't die or fuss like my Westerner friends do when they have to wash with the cold water. I think cold running water still does its job. It's just that you have to work twice to clean it.
- Toilet tissues: my boss and most of my Westerner mates always frown when Indonesians use toilet tissues for everything. Even for wiping their nose when they have flu. They think it's disgusting since they were brought up with the (supposedly) right idea that toilet tissue is used only for toilet matter, and therefore has no other use but to wipe your ass. Indonesians on the other hand were brought up with a Turkey-style toilet (squat toilet) and clean up with water and soap (and yes, with your left hand). That should explain why using your left hand for handshakes here is impolite! Anyway, for us, tissue is just a tissue. You will see that in most warungs, you'll have toilet tissues on the tables to wipe your mouth with. Indonesian perspective is, yes, we know it's a toilet tissue. But it's tissue we bought CLEAN from the stores. We didn't wipe it on our ass and serve it on the table. It's just the same with the other tissues and it's only a matter of whether it is tissue sheets or tissue rolls. Well, for me personally, again, I know what the Westerners think and therefore I respect it for not using toilet tissue for something else in front of them. Although once when Vince's sister was staying at our place, I forgot this fact (it was 7 in the morning and I was not fully aware that it was culturally different) and I cleaned the kitchen counter with it because all of my kitchen towels were being washed. She said, "Oh, I just knew that a toilet tissue had another function." Me: Oops.
- On mandi container (bak mandi): Okay, we have two sinks. One in the kitchen and one outside the house. The one in the kitchen is placed right in the edge of the connecting counters (thanks to whoever stupid contractor who built this house). It is not comfortable to use it as my kitchen counters are too low, even for me, especially for Vincent. The other one outside is dysfunctional as a sink because we use the pipeline for our washing machine drainage. In the mean time, in our bathroom, we have both mandi container and shower. Balinese semi-modern houses always have these two because especially if you don't dig your own 40-metre deep well, city water is only accessible during certain hours (like midnight!), which means there are times when we can't get any water at all from the sink or the shower. And the reason that the mandi container was there was so that we could still have water when the stupid water system goes dead again. But Vincent and I don't want to bother to fill in the container. We can compromise that we have to take a shower at certain hours. Let's combine the facts that our only working sink gives Vincent backache if he has to use it to brush his teeth and that our mandi container was there for no use. So he came up with what he thinks is a genius idea to make the mandi container his personal sink. A HUGE sink. How can a guy be not happy with it? Well, I'm not particularly in favour with that idea. I find it similarly striking to the Western frown on the use of toilet tissue for other things than toilet matter, I frown on the use of mandi container as a place where you spit your toothpaste+saliva+water. Again, I was brought up with the Indonesian way of washing ourselves; i.e. mandi. I used to (sometimes still do when I am back home in Surabaya) take clean water from that container and pour it to my whole body to wash myself. Every time I always have to remind myself that hey, the container is not used. I'm not washing myself with it. What's the big deal? I don't know what the big deal is. I just can't help shuddering every time I have to imagine the scene. LOL. You know what I mean? Hehe..
There are some other small things that we don't share culturally, which I can't remember right now. But the point is putting two individuals together in one same place is not an easy thing to do. It is not easy when you come from the same culture. It is especially a real challenge when we come from absolutely different ones. Some couples can go through it, some can't. The ends really depend on (maybe) how much both parties are willing to compromise with each other.
The good thing is that we take things with (most of the time) a laugh and not a shout. And maybe that's what we should all do.
Even at the time I'm writing this piece, I still can't believe it happened. Not to someone with such a life force like you. Not when you already made great plans ahead. Not when it was so fast, unexpected and seemingly unfair.